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App seeks your vote | Satire

By Peter Funt

Eyeing the billion-dollar political market, Apple today unveiled its Campaign Speech app for iPhones. As reporters watched and listened, the app was programmed with the following menu options: Candidate — middle-aged, male, Republican; Office — U.S. Congress; Venue — Ohio; Veracity Level — low. Here is a transcript of the app’s remarks:

Hello, Toledo! Thank you! It’s — it’s great to be back in the state that my mom’s uncle once proudly called home!

I share your concerns, and that’s why I have a 12-point plan.

We need good, decent jobs for good, decent Americans — the hard-working good, decent folks who seek their small slice of the American Dream. It’s the dream my grandfather had when he arrived at Ellis Island, with only the clothes on his back and the passion in his heart.

My grandpa had big hands. He was a produce unpacker: a guy who opened heavy boxes of produce at the grocery store, tossed the rotten pieces on the damp, sticky floor, and carried the boxes to aisles where skilled union workers arranged the fruit and vegetables in tall, artful displays. Grandpa hated unions. He also hated produce and developed rashes on both hands, but you know what? He never once whined about not having health insurance.

He didn’t give up. He didn’t give up because he had a dream that someday his grandson would stand before you with a dream for a brighter America.

My dad ran off when I was just 3. I won’t apologize for him, and I won’t ever apologize for the United States of America!

Mom and I lived with a small troupe of circus performers in a musty trailer. I did my schoolwork at a table fashioned from an old wagon wheel. You could see right through the spokes to the floor of the trailer. And you could see right through holes in the floor to the muddy ground below — and right through a hole in the ground to an area where elephant droppings collected.

Friends, my story is part of the rich history we all share as Americans. It’s what makes us exceptional.

God gave us our exceptionalism, and politicians can’t take it away. But the media — those who’d like to do your thinking for you — they’ll never tell you that.

When I was 24, mom won $3.6 million in the lottery. She was a winner! And America doesn’t need a government that picks winners and losers.

We gave mom’s money to a firm that manages investments for circus employees, and a few weeks later they made me an executive vice president. I learned about business in the real world.

As mom always said, “If you have no particular skill or education, you can still live lavishly in America by controlling other people’s money.”

My fellow Americans, mom never had a safety net. Others, like those who performed on the high wire did, of course, but my mom — toiling in the circus costume shop, where she made bootstraps for the performers who wore boots — she never had a net.

Has America lost her way? Manufacturing jobs are going to China, and good, decent circus positions are being grabbed by immigrants, who may very well be here illegally. I have a plan to change that.

My opponent believes we can tax our way to a better tomorrow — and spend our way to a better day-after tomorrow — and then, the next day, raise taxes and, two days later, spend even more. My plan will put us back on track!

In the words of Ronald Reagan as he quoted Abraham Lincoln many years ago, “The shining light of America’s great promise burns brightest for those who shine brightly from within.”

The time is now! This is our moment! Dare to dream, and never fail to dream a dare!

God bless you! God bless the United States of America! God bless you all! And God bless my lovely wife, Siri.

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker and can be reached at www.CandidCamera.com.

 

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